Okay for real this time, goodnight!

Night to my new followers & old ones! 😘

Que fucking diabloooooooo.

Must. Sleep. Now. Why. Is. This. So. Hard.

B.

OMFG. I’ve always loved & respected her but after this documentary & all that she showed between her & jay & baby blue?! She’s just OMG… So in love. So honest. She’s the truth.

We can all agree today will go down as historic

Like, yo. We are all apart of making history right now.

Years, & years down the line our children & grandchildren will know we were apart of & were there to witness something bigger than ever anticipated. 

We’ve made it. We’ve did it.

I don’t know about you, but I feel like we are starting to regain stability & structure.

It feels….right.

2 Termz; 4 mo years!!!

My sexual preference, orientation whatever.

I’ve talked about this a couple times before but I’ve come to a conclusion to it all FINALLY lmao.

I’ve been battling what the fuck I am & what I’m into for so damn long now. At this point, I am not even going to label it, there is no label for it lol. I don’t consider myself straight, bi, & def not gay (not to be taken in a bad way, just stating not one specific gender) 

I consider myself to just be open. It’s basically who attracts me at the moment. Spontaneous shit. Sometimes I have my moments where I’m attracted to one gender more than the other but I never neglect one over the other. Complicated sounding but YUP. 

I got love for everybody, haha. But yeah, just a random thought.

Zuly from BGC9

I have a very undeniable attraction to her. Omgggggg. She could turn me out, my body is ready real shit. I’m attracted to girls like that. I’ve yet to meet one. Jesus.

I reinvent my look CONSTANTLY.

I am a person who gets bored easily. I’m always thinking of the next big thing & transformation that I’m gonna make, even when I’m already going through a transformation, I still think about what I wanna do next lol…

Whether piercings, to hair… tats.. (which I’m working on) style… sort of, not quite.. once money is right I’ll work towards that because I have maaaaad expensive taste lmao. Currently, I already have ideas of piercings & a new hair change that I’m waiting to put in the works.

I think this is something I don’t give myself enough credit for. When it comes to me & what I want to do to myself, can’t nobody tell me NOTHING. It doesn’t matter who the hell you are, I do what I want & I’m not easily persuaded & won’t ever conform into what others want me or to make others happy. Another thing is that no matter how crazy the idea is, once it’s done I can always pull it off in my way.

Thing about me is I don’t like doing what others can expect or anticipate that I’ll do. I don’t even like doing what has already been done, became hype, & turned into a trend. Like this whole ombre shit? EVERYONE LOOKS THE GOT DAMN SAME. So as soon as possible I’m getting rid of this. I don’t do things that are ordinary.. I make shit my own, put my own spice into it, so def I’m gonna make this something you don’t see often. 

Lol I really do consider myself to be a wildass bitch for all that I do, all my ideas, all the shit I’m willing to risk & put myself through. When a idea comes to mind? I put absolutely NO THOUGHT into it after that, I just do it. Ask about me. I don’t think about what’s gonna happen afterwards or what the aftermath will turn out to be.. Like, I’m  really gonna have all these pictures to show my future kids & say “Hey guys! Look how much of a punk your mother was back in the day” lol.

I have come to some conclusion that I do all this, make it worth while, & take advantage of it because this is the one part of my life I actually have control over.

FINALLY HOME.

pardon my absence, been in the hospital since Monday. Been a long & stressful week & still no answer as to what exactly set off my body.

Today is my appointment.

I finally find out what the hell is going on w¦ me.

I’m a little scared though. I’m not expecting anything, after getting 2 hours of sleep I’m feelin’ like w¦e happens, happens.

I woke up feeling low. I feel & look terrible. I’ve had anemia plenty of times before but never like this. I’m getting dizzy & losing balance by doing the smallest things. I’m very, verrrrrry weak. I haven’t done much of anything ‘cause I don’t have it in me right now. I’m losing weight from having decreased appetite, I haven’t been eating much of anything. & part of that is how I KNOW something is completely off ‘cause (I’m on my month - which I’m pretty sure is worse ‘cause I don’t need to be losing anymore blood) but before & during my t.o.m I get Munchies out the ASS, & right now I’m eating little things here & there. I’ve never been high, but if I had to put to words a comparison… Probably a numbing unnatural high.

Funny thing is I have 2 views on this. Part of me is like, something is seriously wrong… Really wrong. Then the other side of me feels like I come off as exaggerating or being dramatic… Even though I know I’m not & wish I was.

I’m literally feeling myself getting weaker & my arms going numb as I write this. Fuck.

I’m always looking for new things, new looks.

I get inspiration from things I see or the people around me, take the idea, flip it into my own, & make it work for me.

I’m always wanting something new because I get bored very, VERY easily.
Whether it be the style of my clothes, to the style of my hair, to piercings, so on & so forth.

Lately I’ve been creating & following through w¦ some of the craziest shit lol. Like, I might look back at this one day when I have kids & be like yeah, look at how much of a punk your mom was.

It’s funny ‘cause everything I do is literally out of the blue. Spontaneous. No reason behind it other than wanting something new & wanting to go do it. I think of something, ask my moms & friends if they dig it, & literally go for it w¦o putting much thought behind it. I don’t waste time, I just do it. After it’s done that’s when I start thinking um… Either I’m really gonna like this & this is all gonna be worth it, or… I’m gonna feel like I went through all this just for the hell of it lol.

Lately my hair is the target for change. I saw this guy w¦ a buzzed cut line going on the side of his face (not the best description I know), & I’ve seen how Rihanna did her recent shave… Now I’m thinking about somehow collaborating the 2 (w¦o it looking like their’s of course) & seeing what & how I can make it mine & make it work for me.

Y’all are witnessing the minimal thought process that goes into the changes I make in my appearance lmao.

Fucks are never given. I don’t think I give myself enough credit to 1: be brave, 2: not give a damn, 3: making my own, & 4: always being able to work that shit & pull it off ‘cause not many people can say or do that nowadays lol.

These health issues are getting old man.

Why can’t my body ever work w¦ me & be stable? -_-

Literally since I was born I’ve had problems w¦ my blood. At one point it got to where they were taking precautions for what they thought was leukemia. I pretty much had blood work done all the time, to the point I’d already get used to putting my arm out & helping them get ready to stick me.

My mom & doctors came to the hopeful conclusion that hopefully I’d grow out of it.
……but I didn’t. I haven’t.

From my stand point, I’ve inherited anemia from my grandma. This has been going on for years now but as of recently, it has gotten worse.

I found out while I was at the pool w¦ my bestfriend & fam. My mom checked her phone & had a bunch of missed calls from the Dr’s office. Once she called them back they said my results from the last blood work I did came back very low, (& considering they called so many times to inform us, I’m assuming it’s something serious). They told my mom I have to go back in for more blood work. Of course in my head I’m like, Yo when’s this shit EVER gonna end?

This week I had been gearing up for when I get blood work done today. I see the liver Dr. Monday, (I have a lesion on my liver as well, which helped kick-start getting blood work) then is when I’ll find out what’s really going on.

I’m kinda worried though because recently & even MORE today I’ve been feeling weak & light headed just by doing the littlest things. I’ve never gotten like this before w¦ all the other times they told me my anemia came back.

It’s not fun having these symptoms ALL the time. & no, it’s not the worst thing in the world but there is the chance of needing a blood transfusion if it gets worse.

Funny thing is I’m not concerned w¦ all that worst case scenario.. what if this’s or that’s… The only thing that bothers me is that with the things I want to do in life? There is a great possibility this shit could hold me back from going as hard as I want to. That, I’m not gonna settle w¦.

Considering this is not ALL that is wrong w¦ me, I’m not sure WHAT to take seriously for myself anymore.

This shit is just part of the list. I have other things like 3 brain disorders & plenty more shit after that. BLAAAAAAAH. Why can’t I have a stable body lmao??

Couples.

Y’all notice the moment you start getting lonely, wanting to settle down but having no one to talk to, that’s when all you see every corner you turn is straight couples.

Like, what type of shit is that yo? lol.

I ain’t complainin’ I’m just sayin’.

Enough being single.

There comes a time where you’ve had all the amount of time to be content on your own & become ready to be in a relationship again. I’ve hit that point.

Been 10 months being single, damn near a year.

Now I’m not complaining but sometimes this shit gets old. I wanna be able to go back to having someone to cake w¦ 24/7, exchanging “babe’s” & “baby’s”, pretty much all the lovey dovey shit that comes in between.

Weeeeeh, I sound lonely lol. I need to get out & meet people.

Anybody else out there feel how I am?

I feel like I’m running out of time.

I have a dream, of who I want to be, what I wanna do, where I’m gonna be in life & the world.

I wanna do the one thing that makes me happy. The one thing I feel is in my destiny.

The thing that I’ve been waiting for, thinking of, praying for..

The thing that’ll not only set my life FOR life, but also help provide the life I want to give my mom. After all she’s done, after she’s all I’ve ever had? Through all this struggle, pain, & everything that aims to bring us down. I wanna be able to provide her with anything & everything so she’d never have to lift a finger or work a day in her life again. A life where there is no struggle, a life where she doesn’t have to worry about money or anything in general.

My issue is that I’ve said I was gonna try to make it at my age now or the year after & that’s it. I feel like I’m wasting time, & energy when I could put all that into being discovered. Not only that but… all this depression, anxiety, adhd shit, low confidence, & trying to create myself is holding me back a bit too. If I DO make it, I don’t want to carry all that on me, with me. 

I know this all sounds unrealistic but I know have the potential to do it, I can do it,   & I WILL do it. 

This is the one thing I know in my heart & soul that I’d put my ALL into, whole heartedly & honestly. I’d do anything it takes. This is the only thing I want in life so bad, I don’t want anything half as much as this.

But of course I have plan B to do while I work on making it. I’m going to school for cosmetology in Aug. I’ve always had a thing for make up… 

I’m pressuring myself, I need to take my time & relax.. but it’s so hard to do that when it’s always in the back of my mind… seeing others already making it & doing it all, doing what I want, living the same dream… 

The amount of heavy insecurity on tumblr is astounding.

I completely understand putting your insecurities out & seeing you’re not alone but for some while now all I see is people FEEDING into it all. Not like it’s not already hard to put what you’re insecure about yourself on the internet but when others start feeding into it instead of being uplifted or accepting of it or Idk… Just ANYTHING else.

Like, am I the only one who feels like this & gets where I am coming from (even though I don’t feel confident in how I worded it all)?